Senior Year in Which I Lose My Equilibrium

So I started senior year of college on Monday. Which, you know, would be so very exciting for most people. Not for me. You see, I still have important classes that I can’t take until I get equally important classes out of the way this year. Which means I will be a 5 year senior.

Now, I will be honest. I was cautiously excited about this year. Mainly because my schedule is as follows:

MWF:

Organic Chemistry 9:00-9:50 am (The kiss of death for my major)
Volleyball 11:00-11:50 am
A Capella 12:00-12:50 pm (I was demoted from Soprano 2 to Alto 1 after 3 years of being a soprano 2. Threw me off completely)

M Only:

Physics Lab 3:00-5:30 pm

W only:

Organic Lab 2:00-5:55 pm

TR:

First Aid 9:25-10:35 am (online class, we only meet for tests)
Chapel 10:55-11:45 am
Physics 11:50-1:10 pm
Internship at St. Thomas Hospital 1:20pm- various times

Sounds exciting, right? Not too many classes, hard but with lots of time.

Not the case.

You see, a 75% in organic chemistry is a B. A 65% is a C. Half the people who I know have taken the class failed and had to retake it.

So here I am, wondering how I am different from the failure people and the passing people and praying that if I have the right combination of studying techniques I might actually pass this class.

Then my physics teacher announces that the two hardest undergrad science classes are Physics and Organic. Which I am taking. Both at the same time. But last semester I taught myself trigonometry since the teacher was awful, so I am again thinking “Maybe I will be alright. It’ll be hard, but maybe I can do it.” And at the same time, I am bracing myself and trying not to think TOO positively in case the fates decide I’m being too optimistic and give me a harder time. That, and the fact that half my friends are trying to prove they are smarter than me by giving me horror stories of these two classes. So I have to be careful with what I say to whom.

Now that I have all new professors in which I have no idea how their grading goes, I am really off kilter. I have to prepare to take the GRE for graduate school, I have to start applying to grad schools after that, and I have to get my GPA to an acceptable level because some of the freshman wash-out classes really brought it down big time. And the entire time I am trying my best not to implode at everything I have to do and set aside “me” time. Which, by the way, is next to impossible because the amount of “me” time I need is scattered throughout the day and not all at one time. So here I am, worried I will lose myself, my likes and dislikes, and what makes me, well me but then trying to tell myself not to think that way.

This is where having my mom with me would do wonders. She’s so great at telling me to stop and focus on one thing at a time. Because if you’ve ever lived basically on your own where no one knows how you work, you need someone to refocus you. Doing it yourself never seems to work as well. It’s like trying to fix something with a band-aid rather than having a smelting professional do it for you.

So, I have a very nice roommate (that I’d rather not have be cheery and make me talk intelligent conversations in the morning), a fantastic room, a work ethic that I refuse to let go, and I have not found the center yet. I’m unbalanced, running back and forth on a boat trying to keep it upright in the water. I’m smart. And what I lack in smarts, I make up for with determination. But going from walking the yard every morning, tending to the plants and grocery shopping every other day to studying every free moment and praying that you’re doing enough to pass these classes in order to be free to live your life with your mom and rabbit really throws you off.

I have books to read and review, a story to edit, and yet I have forgotten about virtually all these things up until today. I really need to find my center.

Also, until said center is found, I will probably not be friendly, excited, exchanging proper pleasantries, outgoing, or voluntarily helpful. I will show up where I am needed, but don’t expect much more. That being said, I love my twitter friends for staying with me and reminding me there is a world out there other than this world of college. That is very nice to remember.

P.S. my internship ROCKS. Dr. Walpole, the doctor I am with, has connections EVERYWHERE including my grad school (UGA) and where I want to work when I get out of school (The CDC). He’s so powerful and well connected that I could probably get into grad school with his recommendation alone. That is what is grounding me and reminding me that this college thing is temporary and is trying to actively wash me out to weed out the hard workers. And I’ll be daggum if I won’t be hanging on with a death grip.

I’ll try and have some reviews up soon.

Natasha

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